What Women Really Think

Dear Men of the World,

Tired of the mysteries of the female mind? Finding it hard to get laid? Here are a few simple things to remember.

The Basics

· There are three billion women in the world and every single one of them is a different person with different thought patterns, desires, wishes and feelings. There’s no shortcut that allows you to suddenly understand the Mysterious Female Brain, because there’s no such thing; there’s just three billion different brains belonging to three billion different women. However there are some guidelines for dealing with women, a lot of which comes down to basic courtesy.

· Some of us don’t want ANY of you. And no, you can’t watch.

On Erections and Porn

· Your erection=your problem. I am not here to take care of your erection. Do not come and show it to me like it’s a special gift that I should graciously accept. It’s yours. Please take care of it yourself.

· Guys who get all their ideas about sex from watching porn squick women out. It’s like someone whose ideas about cooking come entirely from watching Iron Chef: the food still ends up on the plate, but the process by which it gets there is sad and twisted and has nothing to do with feeding people.

On Anger

· Don’t expect a woman to instantly forgive you for treating her badly just because you bring her flowers. We, and our emotions, are not for sale, and the gift sends the message that you think we’re either children to be distracted, or whores to be paid to resume our duties.

· If a woman is angry with you, it’s not her hormones; it’s the fact that you did something that pissed her off.

On Relationships

·  If we don’t seem interested and tell you so politely, don’t think that we’re playing hard to get; accept that we’re not interested. We don’t see persistence as a demonstration of your love. We see it as an indication that you’re a stalker.

· If your “ideal mate” “dream girl” or whatever has no body hair, fake nails, fake breasts, a fake tan, no opinion, is painfully thin, utterly compliant, never gets sick, or bleeds, or sweats, or cries, or has any of those other pesky bodily functions that you yourselves have, what you’re looking for is a blow-up doll.

Most Importantly

WOMEN DON’T WANT YOU.
Maybe a few times in your lives some of you have met women who genuinely desired your body in a flood of passionate lust.

The rest of the time we have had intercourse with you because we were forced, coerced, threatened, intimidated, nagged, whined at, manipulated, tricked, brainwashed, and blackmailed. We did it to get out of abusive households, rotten jobs, crushing poverty, and terrible loneliness. We did it so you’d love us, so we could count on you, so you’d stay, so you wouldn’t be so mean. We did it just so we could feel your arms around us. We did it because we loved you, because we didn’t want to hurt your feelings, because you’d make us pay if we didn’t, because the children needed shoes, because we didn’t even know we had a right to refuse.

So the next time you’re tempted to pinch our butts or look us up and down, or drop some nasty remark that passes for humour, or think no means yes, or do any of the predatory things that spring from the myth that you’re entitled to the use of women’s bodies and that we owe you intercourse whether we like it or not, stop.

Wait for one of us to approach you, because in all but very rare cases, women don’t want you, and we’re sick of being treated like prey.

Love,

Women of the World